Everyone has expectations for pretty much everyone and they are rarely spoken. Think about it… you have expectations of your spouse, kids, parents, friends, waiters and waitresses, bartenders, delivery drivers, checkout clerks, customer service representatives, and the list goes on. You expect people to behave a certain way and when they don’t, you become frustrated and even angry, maybe even indignant!
How many times have you said, “they should have…?” You had an expectation that the other person should have known something in order to have done something differently to get the outcome you expected. Let’s look at a couple of real life examples, you hold the door open for someone and they don’t say thank you or you let a car go in front of you and they don’t wave to show their appreciation. Are you offended? If you said yes, you had an expectation that wasn’t met and you became frustrated or possibly angry. Don’t they know they’re supposed to say thank you or wave? It’s common courtesy!
Expectations go unmet all the time because they’re unspoken. I won’t get into the common courtesy expectations. I would lose myself down that rabbit hole. I do love to talk about expectations at home and at work though.
Do you ever have a hard time talking about your expectations at home with your kids or spouse? I believe oftentimes it’s easier to discuss expectations with our children because as a parent we’re coming from a place of authority. However, expectations aren’t about authority all the time and expectations do not necessarily mean rules to follow. It is more about being mutually respectful to one another as the relationship matures.
First, let’s talk about setting or defining expectations for our children. As a parent, it’s my responsibility to teach right and wrong to my kids, as well as manners. If I want my child to grow up and be a productive person in society, I have to teach them common courtesy… please and thank you. When children are young, expectations are mostly rules and teachings to keep them safe. As children grow up, expectations can become a conversation and they can have an opinion on the expectations.
Expectations revolve around core values and what is most important in the family. Parents and children can have a conversation about their core values and set expectations around those values. What does this look like in real life? Tithing is important in our family, so when it came time for our daughter to earn an allowance, she had to set aside a portion of it for charity. Paying cash is important in our family, so our daughter learned to save up for things she wanted to purchase. Both were expectations we taught our daughter based on our core values.
When our daughter was an adult, but lived at home while saving up to buy her home, we still had expectations of her. If we were going out of town, we expected her to take care of our pets. She also had to do her own laundry, pay for her cell phone and her car insurance. If she was going to stay out all night, she had to let me know because I didn’t want to be up all night worrying about her. Those were spoken expectations. She agreed to those expectations as part of being able to live at home rent-free.
What about expectations with our spouse? We all come in with baggage from previous relationships and from how we were raised. Sometimes we don’t even realize why we have some of the expectations we have of our spouse! Seriously, how many times have you said, “he/she should have known that was going to upset me?” Unspoken expectations. We expect them to read our minds. Yet, when we get it wrong with them, we’re quick to say… “I can’t read your mind!”
Real-life example, I’m not much for posting on social media. I don’t scroll through Facebook or Instagram very often and I don’t pay attention to how many “likes” I get when I actually do post. I broke that habit a while ago when I took a hiatus from Facebook once. Not realizing it means quite a bit to my husband, I forgot to post about him on Father’s Day until after he was already upset with me. Unspoken expectation. I doted on him all day, I bought him a really thoughtful card, and I wrote him a love letter. I thought I had done all the “right” things, but I failed to love him in his love language.
How do you have that open dialogue with your spouse to learn their expectations of you? How do you share your expectations with them? Sometimes it’s through an argument. Not the most helpful way. It’s a lot easier if you bring it up as soon as you realize it’s bothering you. Don’t keep thinking they should just know… they don’t and they won’t until you say something!
Now, let’s talk about work! I love talking about setting expectations at work. I’ve always had so much fun with this process. As a leader, I believe it’s your responsibility to set expectations for your team members. They should know what is expected of them every day. They should know what success looks like for them, as well as what it looks like when they are failing. The best way to do this is to create an expectations agreement for each team member!
Since this is probably a new concept for the team, I recommend having a team meeting to discuss expectations openly.
Defining the team’s core values is the most critical step. If you don’t decide what is most important to the team, you have no starting point. This should be a group activity. Maybe it’s based on the company’s core values or maybe they are unique to the function of the department. Maybe the values are universal, such as integrity and positive attitude. The key is for everyone to agree on the core values as the entire team has to uphold the values.
Determining the top priorities for the team are unique to the function of the department. The sales department’s priorities are going to be different from the marketing or accounting departments’ priorities. I also like to determine core job duties, as well as secondary job duties, for each team member based on their individual job descriptions. Team members should know their role in meeting the department’s priorities.
Discuss how the team will be held accountable on a team level and an individual level. I do this by creating a list of accountability factors. Not sure where to start? Look at the company’s performance evaluation. If you don’t like how the team members are currently being evaluated, why not change the performance evaluation form to match your newly created expectations agreement? Examples of accountability factors include: dependability, job knowledge, attendance, attitude, quality of work, and integrity. Clearly define what excellence looks like for each factor.
Decide what the team needs from the leader. Clearly defined expectations go both ways. Not only does the team need to know what you expect of them, but you need to know what the team expects from you! Just as much as you expect excellence from your team, they deserve and expect excellence from you.
Here’s what my teams expected from me:
So what do you think of the concept of expectations agreements? Do you believe it could work for your team? It seems like a simple concept, but have you ever used one before? Could misunderstandings be avoided if you had these in place with your team? Would you be able to coach a struggling team member more easily?
Do you struggle with expressing your expectations of others at home? What about at work? Do you find yourself saying, “they should have…” a little too often? We all have unspoken expectations of others. How are you going to handle them moving forward? What will you do differently with your children, spouse, or your team? Is there an area I can help you with? Leave a comment. I’d love to hear from you!